One of the best things about this job is -
people always come up after a seminar or show and give me jokes
- here are some of the most recent!
- If the voices in my head paid rent - I wouldn't be broke!
- How many roads must a man go down ... before he admits he
- If ignorance is bliss - you must be ecstatic!
- Forget financial independence - "visualize" using your turn
- We have enough youth - how about A Fountain of "Smart"!
- Cover me - I'm changing lanes!
- Caution: I drive like you do!
- If you choke a Smurf - what color does it turn?
- I have a photographic memory - I'm just out of film!
Three men are talking about their funerals.
One said, What would you like to hear them say
when youre laying in the coffin?
The first guy said, Id like to hear them say,
He was a good husband!
The second guy said, Id like to hear them say,
He was an honest man!
The third guy said, When Im laying in the coffin,
Id like to hear them say,
Look hes moving!
- I've taken a vow of poverty, to annoy me, send money!
- Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home!
- Learn from your parents' mistakes…use birth control!
- If swimming is good for your figure - how do you explain
- I am in shape - Round is a shape!
- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours!
- I had a psychic girlfriend - but she left before we met.
- If Barbie is so popular - why do you have to buy her friends?
- I started out with nothing - and I still have most of it!
- Mistakes, confusion, disorder - my work here is done!
- Adults are just kids who owe money!
A 3-year-old is drawing
with paper and pencil.
His father says, "What are you drawing?"
Kid says, "I'm drawing a picture of God!"
Father says, "But nobody knows what God looks like."
The kid says, "They will when I'm finished!"
- "We repair what your husband fixed"
- Sarcasm is one more service we offer!
- Warning: Dates in the Calendar are closer than they appear!
- Ears Pierced While You Wait!
- Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap - park somewhere
- "We shoot every 3rd complainer - the 2nd one just left!"
- At a radiator repair garage - "Best place to Take A Leak!"
- This store is guarded by a very mean dog 3 nights a week
- You Guess Which Nights!
A man calls 911. He
says, "My cat is missing!"
Policeman says, "That's not an emergency"
Man says, "But this cat can TALK."
Policeman says, "Well hang up, maybe he's trying to call you!"
- God loves you - but you don't want to know what everybody
- Your intuition almost makes up for your lack of good judgment!
- Find a solution - or at least a scapegoat!
- A complete lack of evidence is the surest sign of a conspiracy!
- Don't worry - In some cultures you would be considered normal!
- Remember, the early bird gets the worm - but the 2nd mouse
gets the cheese!
- Pride is what "we" have - Vanity is what "others" have!
- No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes!
- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
cruise ship is six feet away from the dock.
An 80-year-old man is running down the dock, yelling,
"I can make it! I can make it!"
He jumps on board ship and says
"Wow, I just made it!"
They said, "You didn't have to jump -
we were pulling in!"
- Would a fly without wings be called a "walk"?
- When it rains - why don't sheep shrink?
- When they ship Styrofoam - what do they pack it in?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What is another word for Synonym?
- How come a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain
- If a policeman arrests a mime - does he tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
- Why do psychics have to ask your name?
- How come an orange is called an ORANGE , but a lemon isn't
called a YELLOW?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages - isn't it just
stale bread to begin with?
- If you make a cow laugh - will milk come out its nose?
- How come we choose from just two people for President - and
50 for Miss America?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped
it, what would happen?
A guy finds a magic
lamp. He rubs it, and a Genie comes out.
Genie says, "I can give you Great Wisdom or Great Wealth!"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Give me Great Wisdom."
…and so it was.
And the Genie says, "Now - say something Wise!"
And the guy says, "I should have taken the Money!"
"FUN" Things You Wish You Could Say at a
- Does this train of thought have a Caboose?
- The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're
- I don't know what your problem is - but I'll bet it's hard
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
- Just treat me as you would the Queen!
- Your are beginning to sound reasonable…it must be time to
up my medication!
Never to Say at
a Job Interview:
- My psychic phone advisor told me to come here.
- I'll have to cut this interview short - there's a good episode
of "Green Acres" coming on at 3:00!
- I hope you're not going to ask about my criminal record!
- How come the music in your lobby never plays the Batman theme?
- Can I wear my Hannibal Lechter Sweatshirt on casual day?
- Is embalming covered on my HMO?
- Fear not - my powers can only be used for good!
A lawyer's client is
accused of pick pocketing.
The judge sets bail at $100.
The lawyer confers with his client and says,
"Your honor, my client says he is innocent, and he doesn't have
the $100… but, if you give him a few minutes in the crowd…"
- If at first you don't succeed - redefine success!
- No use being pessimistic - it never works!
- They say "Wisdom comes with age" - but sometimes Age comes
- If God wanted me to touch my toes - he would have put them
on my knees!
- All generalizations are false!
- Today I will share my Experience and Advice - I will say,
"I Told You So!"
- I assume full responsibilities for my actions - except the
ones that are someone else's fault!
- I am only grateful that I am not as judgmental as all the
arrogant, self-righteous people around me!
- I refuse to waste time worrying about the past - I will worry
about the future!
- The next time reality knocks at my door - I'll pretend I'm
… and finally, a joke, the motto of which is :
on Your Abilities!
A guy brings his horse
to the ballpark.
He says, "This horse is a goldmine. This horse can play baseball.
Coach says, "I don't believe it!"
The horse takes a bat and hits the ball out of the park…he goes
in the outfield and catches fly balls…
he goes on the pitcher's mound and pitches strikes!
The coach says, "Can he run?"
The guy says, "Look, if he could run I would have brought him to
the Kentucky Derby!"